Tuesday, June 29, 2010

The Show

So this is not a post about the Tom Petty concert. Seriously. The show was awesome, but I had a tough time walking around with both my feet stuck in my mouth. Warning, parts of the following blog are unsuitable for children. And please note I was really buzzed for all of these events.

The show was at the Oracle Arena up in Oakland. This is where the Golden State Warriors play and is located next to the crap hole that is the Oakland Coliseum, where the Raiders and Athletics play. Oracle Arena is a much nicer place, however. As a much nicer venue it has some very nice stadium amenities. Some of which are good beer and flat screen TVs. So while waiting in line with my buddy Ian to buy some beer I happened to look up and the gorgeous flat screen was showing promos for upcoming arena events. The first ad I saw put me into a trance which produced a string of obscenities.

Me: “God, I hate Justin Bieber. Look at that little jack ass. It is an insult to real musicians that he is f@#$ing popular. I'd like to shave his hair off and feed it to him. The worst part is that he thinks he is the shit. The little crap nugget stands there talking about love? What the f@#$ does he know about love? The only chick he has loved is his mom. I can't wait for that kid to go the way of Lindsey Lohan and get hooked on smack so I can laugh at the irony. The little bastard.”

Ian: “Wow. I have never heard you say anything like that before.”

At this point I broke out of my trance and realized that not only was I talking out loud, but people were listening to me.

Me: “What?! Oh shit. I am sorry! I forgot I was talking out loud My apologies to any Bieber fans here.”

At this point some young pop tart in front of us in line sheepishly smiled and made the following admission: “Actually I have Bieber Fever. I think he is so cute. But I can understand he isn't for everybody.”

Me: “Wow, I seriously don't know what to say! You just stunned me that there is a name for the condition. Bieber Fever? Is there a name for the shakes he is going to have when he detoxes off of heroin? Shit... I am sorry. I didn't mean that. OK I did, but I just can't help myself. I should shut up. You helped catch me up to pop culture. But seriously I hate him.”

By this time were finally at the front of the beer line so I had something to put into my pie hole other then my foot. Of course the beer gave me another problem later.

When Ian and I finally reached out seats where Katie and Steph were waiting for us apparently parched from all the not standing in line they had been doing. So they started doing the natural thing which is giving Ian and I crap for not somehow making the beer line go faster. At some point during the verbal tennis match I turned to the kid next to me anxious to find a new conversation. The kid looked about 16 and was sitting next to a cute little blond that was clearly either his sister or his girlfriend. Remember... 'Clearly,!

“Ya know kid, sometimes I am not sure that women are worth this crap. Ya know?” He didn't know, but he said “Yeah” anyway. I should have stopped there, but I didn't. “So are you here with your girlfriend?” The kid looked at me and then helped me inert my free foot into my mouth.

“Dude, that's my mom!”

At this point I really had nothing that I could say. That didn't stop me from talking. “Really. Shit. Umm... Wow!”

Kid: “It's OK it happens all the time.” So of course at this point the kids mom decides to chime in.
Mom: “Really it is OK. It does happen all the time. I think it is a compliment.”
Me: “I am glad that you feel that way, because I feel like a schmuck.” Of course in the back of my head a new drunken plan starts to form. Mom is cute, not 16, and I am an optimist.
Mom: “Yeah, my husband gets a kick out of every time this happens.” So much for optimism. Oh yeah, at this point the husband decided to chime in.
Husband: “Yeah she really does look great.”

Mercifully at this moment the concert started so I could stop talking. As a public service announcement we were taking public transportation to and from the show. So in my intoxication I was only hurting my own pride and not anyone else.

No comments:

Post a Comment